what a headache...

i missed posting for a few days, felt like a part-time job pulak making myself post everyday... i'm even starting playing that damn hexic game again... i've fallen off the wagon : D... the deal i made to myself was to write on my blog rather than wasting time with hexic...

so??... what am i gonna write about today... hmmm... how about my current situation??

had bad headaches last night. i'm guessing it's because of the lupron medication. it is a side effect... and hot flashes... and heart palpitations... and (i'm sure i'm not embarassing myself coz i'm pretty sure only gals read my blog) vaginal dryness... and tiredness... and joint pain... and maybe other symptoms that i am experiencing but clueless to pick up.

i did an internet search yesterday on lupron and endo. which made me feel not so good. so i'm just gonna blurred everything out, maybe i can make myself feel better by doing so...

there was this website where people wrote about how lupron's side effect made them feel horrible and all, regretting ever taking the shot... and saying how doctors don't care enough. looking at my condition, i'm thankful that my side effects are not severe, that i can deal with them although the part about doctors not caring enough rings true coz i wish my doctor showed a bit more compassion.

i was poking my head in those websites, looking to see if tiredness is a side effect coz i've been feeling so very tired. for example, i made lunch on monday and cakes that same evening but felt tired the whole day, up to tuesday. anyhow, there was a lady recounting her experience on being so tired when she was on lupron that she fell asleep at work. again, i'm thankful that i don't work... that the bed is just in the next room if ever i need to nap... and i'm thankful that chot loves me enough to put up with me.

also, was wondering if anyone in those websites talked about conceiving after lupron. i didn't find any. just this one lady writing that her doctor advised to wait 6 months after the last day of lupron treatment to make sure all the drug is out of the system. so that made me feel discouraged... i mean on top of all the waiting i've done, i have to wait some more. and when the time comes for me to ask my doctor, if she says it's ok to try ASAP, i know i'm gonna feel she doesn't care, to advised me to conceive with lupron still in my system.

and then there is the concern of actually being able to conceive... for some, it just doesn't happen or hard to happen. oh i dunno, some days i feel i need to have children and some days i see the coolness of just being able to be by myself doing individual oriented activities.

it would be nice though, to have kiddies... to have pieces of chot and me making up another human being. but it is scary to raise a child right with all the bad in the world... the what if's... god!!!... makes the hairs on my neck stand. what if that little bugger grows up to be a disappointment. but even then, i'd take the risk i think, we would work at raising filial offsprings who will pray for our souls when we're no longer living.

if it never ever happens despite oh i dunno... all the IVF and everything. wouldn't it be sad?? like a scene from a badly made tv drama swasta... if all my life would be this disease called endometriosis. and my in-laws not having any grandkids coz their only menantu is defective.

oh man... all these emotions is giving me a headache... : )... and so i go again...